On A Beanstalk With A Pirate
by I Fancy Hugh Dancy
Summary: - "Emma's never been in love, has she?" - What if Snow had climbed the beanstalk with Hook instead? A tale wherein Hook uses the beanstalk climb as the opportune moment to interview Snow about Emma and wherein Snow's sanity is rightly tested by the chatty pirate. Captain Snow Friendship.


**+ ON A BEANSTALK WITH A PIRATE +**

? ? ?

Loosely inspired by:

"_**I Knew You Were Trouble"**_

_**By: Taylor Swift**_

_Once upon a time a few mistakes ago_

_I was in your sights, you got me alone_

_You found me, you found me, you found me_

_I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that_

_And when I fell hard you took a step back_

_Without me, without me, without me_

_And he's long gone when he's next to me_

_And I realize the blame is on me_

_'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_'Til you put me down, oh_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_No apologies, he'll never see you cry_

_Pretend he doesn't know that he's the reason why_

_You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning_

_Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street_

_A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be_

_And now I see, now I see, now I see_

_He was long gone when he met me_

_And I realize the joke is on me, hey!_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_'Til you put me down, oh_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_And the saddest fear comes creeping in_

_That you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_'Til you put me down, oh_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_So shame on me now_

_Flew me to places I'd never been_

_Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_Trouble, trouble, trouble_

_I knew you were trouble when you walked in_

_Trouble, trouble, trouble_

? ? ?

**Rating: **K+

**Genre:** Friendship/Humour

**Summary: **- "Emma's never been in love, has she?" - What if Snow had climbed the beanstalk with Hook instead? A tale wherein Hook uses the beanstalk climb as the opportune moment to interview Snow about Emma and wherein Snow's sanity is rightly tested by the chatty pirate. Captain Snow Friendship. Rated K+.

**Disclaimer: **This story is pure fanfiction. I don't own any of the recognizable characters from the show "Once Upon A Time".

**Author's Note: **Wow, my lovely readers! I don't know what's come over me. It's like my muse for OUAT fics is on hyper-drive right now. I keep getting more and more ideas for stories, and I'm rushing like crazy to get them all down! haha! Well, this random idea came to me when I was at the gym - probably because of the physical effort that the characters have to go through within it! =P It's a one-shot/drabble-esque piece that I wrote in one sitting. I know that a lot of Captain Swan feels wouldn't have been had by many of us had Snow actually gone instead of Emma but, ya know...the story had a life of its own, so it is what it is! LOL =D

If you haven't read my work before, I also have two other OUAT Captain Swan fics called "**Finding You Again**" and "**Pirate Persuasion**". The former is a full-length fic that's rated T at the beginning and M for later chapters, and the latter is a one-shot that's rated M (for good reason!).

A big thank you goes out to those who have reviewed my work and have continued to support them. Let me know what you think of this one! =) Happy reading. xx IFHD

? ? ?

Mary Margaret knew that Captain Hook was trouble from the moment that they met him. Yet, what troubled her even more was what continually transpired in front of her as she, Emma, Mulan, and Aurora travelled with their pirate captive through the Enchanted Forest. As much as she tried, Mary Margaret couldn't deny seeing how Emma's eyes would follow Hook, and how he couldn't keep his eyes off of her. It didn't look like they were merely eyeing one another in curiosity.

It was looking like a recipe for disaster.

At the base of the imposing beanstalk, the four women argued as to who would climb with the awaiting pirate - who stood only a few meters away from them, looking as amused as ever. Through the chatter, Emma limped forward, curing her twisted ankle under her breath. She attempted to hide the pain from her expression as she declared, "If it's about getting back to Henry, I don't care what I have to do, what I have to face."

"Emma," Mary Margaret's expression filled with concern as she observed her daughter, "you can barely walk right now. You can't very well climb up a beanstalk of this size in your state!"

Hitting the beanstalk impetuously with a clenched fist, Emma knew that her mother was right. There were many, many things that she would do for Henry, but climbing in her state and risking a fall wouldn't exactly ensure that she would see him again.

Mary Margaret waited through the silence for a few more moments, then stated, "No other arguments against me going, then?"

The three women shook their heads, finally conceding to the decision. Mary Margaret then conversed with Mulan, asking for anything that could help her with the giant. The warrior handed her a bag of powder made from poppies, instructing her that the giant had to inhale it in order to be effective and render the giant asleep. She nodded in understanding. It was better than nothing, thought Mary Margaret. Before she turned away from Mulan to begin her task, an idea came to her mind. "Your sword. How strong is it?"

Mulan touched the hilt of her weapon. "The most powerful blade in all of the realms."

Mary Margaret's eyes travelled upwards. "Is it strong enough to cut through a beanstalk?"

The warrior eyed her curiously. "Indeed."

"Give me ten hours," Mary Margaret instructed. "If I'm not back, you cut it down and keep going."

"Emma won't like that, Snow."

"That's why I'm asking you." Mary Margaret closed her eyes for one second, then inhaled slowly. "Emma needs to get back to Henry. If I don't get back, you get her home."

Though the decision was questionable, Mulan eventually nodded in acquiesce.

"Ladies! In this world, we are slaves to time." Hook piped up then, holding his hands out in front of him. "And ours is running out. In other words, tick tock."

Mary Margaret took one last look at Mulan; the warrior gave her the same look, understanding their agreement in full. The pixie-haired woman then strode towards the pirate and held up her arm. As she did this, Hook's expression turned a tad bit sorrowful, and he threw a longing stare at Emma. "I was hoping it was going to be you."

Mary Margaret smiled. She had no complaints about having the opportunity to separate the two - at least, for the time being. "Well, I'm what you're going to get. Deal with it."

Hook raised a brow at the fiery woman in front of her. Clearly, she already had a bone to pick with him. Ignoring that fact for a moment, he placed the magical band on her outstretched wrist. "This will allow you to climb. There are other dangers." Hook's eyes darted back to Emma, who eyed them closely a few meters away. "But don't you worry, Emma. I'll protect your mother."

"I think _you're_ the one who's going to be needing protection from _her_." Emma stated with a sly smirk.

Hook made a face.

Eventually, the pirate held out his hook-less arm and eyed Emma expectantly. She gave him a weary look. He reasoned, "I can't climb one handed, can I?"

Sifting through the satchel after a few heartbeats of deliberation, Emma tossed the pirate his metal hook. Hook expertly caught it with his hand, quickly snapped it on, and said, "I despair that we are to be parted, Emma."

Mary Margaret rolled her eyes and gave the cheeky man a shove for good measure. "Let's go."

The two took one last look at the three women behind them and began to climb.

? ? ?

They hadn't been climbing long when Hook began to speak. Mary Margaret had no idea what she _really _had just gotten herself into, but it wouldn't be long until she found out.

The pirate smiled amiably. "This isn't your first beanstalk, is it?"

"No." Mary Margaret curtly replied, her eyes focusing on an out-of-reach vine above her right hand.

"Do you remember your first?" The pirate had a nostalgic, wistful look in his eyes. "You never forget your first."

Mary Margaret tried to ignore him - which proved to be difficult, seeing as he was climbing less than a meter from her.

He started again. "Does Charming find your silence off-putting? Not to worry, darling, I don't. I love a challenge."

"I'm concentrating," she replied through clenched teeth. _Would it be possible to shoot an arrow while climbing a beanstalk?_

"So! Tell me again how you're a grandmother? You don't look more than two decades old!"

"Save it, Hook."

The pirate pursed his lips and pointed out, "We have a long climb ahead of us. Why not get to know one another a bit better?"

Mary Margaret closed her eyes for a brief moment, attempting a relaxation technique. "We don't _need_ to get to know one another a bit better."

Hook paused his climb and examined her. "You're afraid to trust me," he concluded. "Things would be a lot smoother if you do."

"It's fine." Mary Margaret's tone was deceptively light. "You're used to people not trusting you anyway."

"Ah, the pirate thing." Hook gave her a noncommittal shrug. "I'd say it's better not to judge a book by its cover."

She shot back, "It's about you being a living, breathing pirate - not about how you look."

A smirk appeared on the pirate's lips as he purred, "And what do you think about my looks, Snow?"

"They definitely don't come close to Charming's."

Hook placed his hook upon his heart, as though he were physically wounded. "I'm hurt."

"Good. Maybe you'll shut up now."

He didn't.

"...You abandoned Emma, didn't you?"

It was Mary Margaret's turn to stop climbing. She seethed with contempt as she retorted with, "I beg your _pardon_?"

"She's an open book. I can see it in her eyes, Snow."

"How would you know that?"

Hook cocked his head to the side. "I spent many years in Neverland, home of the Lost Boys. They all share the same look in their eyes. The look you get when you've been left alone."

Mary Margaret felt her heart constrict at this. The regret that she felt for sending Emma away would never, ever dissipate - and she knew that. She attempted not to let her emotions show in her expression as she met the pirate's examining eyes.

"Look, you must have had your reasons," Hook offered, lightening his tone. "You don't seem like the kind of mother who would abandon their child just because she felt like it. I can see how protective you are of her."

By this point, Mary Margaret resolved to remain silent. The pirate was just getting _way_ too personal. Her eyes surveyed the rest of their ascent; the daunting task looked ever more daunting from this angle. _When was this bloody beanstalk going to end?_

"Well, if you don't want to share anything about you, then there are some other things that I would ask that you do share."

"Like what?" She realized her blunder once more. _Just _ignore_ him! Why are you encouraging him?_ she thought to herself.

"Well, Snow, let's start off with...what's Emma's favourite colour?"

"_What?_"

"Was that 'white' or 'what'?"

Mary Margaret growled.

"I would think that _your_ favourite colour would be white."

"It isn't."

"That's a shame." He paused. "So what _is_ your favourite colour?"

"Hook, enough about favourite colours!"

His head shot back. "Whoa, whoa, my apologies! I didn't know you'd be all sensitive about favourite colours. ...Mine is black, by the way." He scratched his head with the tip of his hook, looking pensive. "I would guess that Emma's favourite colour would be blue. Something like the colour of her eyes. Or maybe gold, like the colour of her hair..."

Oh, the things Mary Margaret would do for ear plugs right about now. Or temporary deafness.

"What kind of jewels does Emma prefer?"

"None. She's a simple kind of girl."

"Do you think that if I gave her a gold necklace, she'd like it?"

"No."

"...but why not?"

"Like I said, she's a simple kind of girl. Two, it's from you."

"But Snow," Hook gave her a masterfully-executed pout, "you _do_ know that she fancies me, aye?"

Mary Margaret's grip hardened upon the vine. "No, Hook - actually, she doesn't."

"She does."

"No she doesn't."

"Aye, she does."

"I'm not _doing_ this with you!"

"...Did she tell you that she didn't?"

"Well, she..." Mary Margaret found herself speechless then. The look on Hook's face instantly told her that he recognized the shock in her expression. She blurted, "We don't _talk_ about you."

"Of _course_ you do!" he exclaimed excitedly, plastering a wide grin upon his face. "But even if you didn't, I can tell by the way she looks at me."

"I'm warning you, Hook. Back. Off."

A pause.

"Say, Emma's never been in love, has she?"

An exasperated sigh escaped Mary Margaret's lips. "Why does it even matter, Hook?"

He smiled. "It's just a simple question, Snow."

"Why don't you ask _her_ that, then?"

"Well, see..." he jutted his finger downwards. "She's _all_ the way down there. And _you_ are up _here_."

_Did he just make sense? _She tried to steer the conversation away from her daughter. "Hey, slow down a bit, will you? You're climbing faster than a monkey."

The pirate peered down at her. Her former plan was entirely negated as he stated, "Well, the way I see it, the faster we do this, the faster we can get back to Emma."

Mary Margaret eyed him suspiciously. Did she just _agree_ with him about something?

"Because, you know..." Hook sputtered, encircling his hands as he continued, "...I know that's what _you_ would want. Am I right?"

"Hook," Mary Margaret's tone was soft, as though she were claiming defeat. "_Why_ are you even _talking_ to me about all of this?"

Hooks brows raised in genuine surprise. "You _really_ want to know why?"

Mary Margaret let out a groan. "Enlighten me."

"I just want to get to know the grandmother and mother of my future children."

Mary Margaret let out an audible gasp at this. Almost entirely losing concentration, her right leg slipped off a vine. She let out a curt yelp and struggled to find her footing once more. The feelings of fear and anger coalesced within her in a veritable maelstrom. Her narrowed, inflamed eyes landed on the pirate now at her side.

Hook's arm was quick to grasp her shirt. "I have you, love. Don't you worry!"

"Honestly, Hook, I want to pull you down from this beanstalk and watch you fall."

The pirate didn't look the least bit worried. "Now, now, darling, is that any way to treat your son-in-law?"

The only thing that Mary Margaret could do was give out a little squeal of annoyance as she watched the grinning pirate reach the top of the beanstalk.

? ? ?

**A/N: **I honestly don't know what the above was. LOL! Hope you liked it anyway! =D xx IFHD


End file.
